Withdrawals

It's been a while and I won't lie but I've been mad & I've been crying. It came to a point where I would just stare into space for a long time until someone came around and snapped me out of it. During those moments, my mind is completely blank. I don't think because once I start, there is no end to it. I try to be selfish to feel better again. I put the blame on someone else when really, no one is at fault. They call it the withdrawal period. In other words, just life being a dick and taking its course. 

“If it's meant to be, it will be.” 

I want to be okay again. I want to stop seeing you in every other guy that wears the same cologne as you do, has the same physique as you do, likes the same food as you do, laughs the way you do, is as warm as you were & smiles at me the way you did. I want to stop feeling utterly speechless when someone tells me I look beautiful when I laugh & smile because that's not what I'm feeling on the inside. Inside, I'm a total mess. Inside, I'm a nightmare. Inside, I'm broken. Inside, I'm hideous. 

I was told that I could have all the time in the world for me to feel okay again because one cannot rush the process of healing. It's been 4 weeks or so and I am still incapable of smiling & laughing without dying inside. I've been told that physical pain was always much preferable over a heartache. I never understood why but now, I do. At least when you're physically hurt, a doctor could diagnose you, cure you & give you an estimated or exact time that you'll be okay again. For a heartache, I'll never be able to get an answer. I'll never know when I'll be okay again. I can never look forward to a date that I'll be able to wake up genuinely happy. All I can do is wait. All I can do is try to be okay again. All I can rely on is myself because no matter how much help & support you get from others, only you can really help yourself get your shit together.

-Zoey