Coping

It's been days now and I'm still feeling absolutely lost. I can't tell if I can't or if I don't want to get over the fact that everything won't ever be the same again. It hurts to feel and it hurts to think. I haven't even been sleeping in my room because it's filled with memories that haunt me. I'm still waiting for that one fine day that I can be mentally strong enough to take down all the pictures and pack up all his belongings into a box. 

I haven't been home till late night everyday now because it hurts to be home. It sucks to come home to a place that is nothing but torture. It sucks to have so many good memories embedded in the walls of my house and I can't help but feel worst at home than anywhere else. Even sleeping at night is torturous because I wake up every few hours sobbing myself back to sleep.

I've been trying to keep myself busy and my friends & family have been nothing but the most supportive people in my life and I am entirely grateful. As much I want to stand back up stronger right now, I can't. It sucks to think and it sucks to feel that he might really be better off without me. I want him to be happy but I'm selfish. I want him to be happy with me but I can't force it. I don't know what to do. I tried to turn my sadness into anger but it didn't help one bit. I tried to find an explanation behind the fact that he lost feelings for me but there was non and it hurts me even more to know that I really can't change anything about how he feels because it's not physically or mentally possible. 

What the fuck do I do now? It's endless torment. 

-Zoey