Phases

I was clearing my wardrobe earlier and I found my old diary. This diary I got for myself in the beginning of high school when I was 13. The purpose of this diary was ultimately meant for pouring all my thoughts out. It was also where all my demons resided when high school started taking a toll on me. The last entry was in December 2013. I skipped 2014 because that year, I was at my peak. Everything felt optimally right. I felt like I was invinscible and I felt so in control. The demons in my head remained in deep slumber and I had no need for self realization because I thought that I had it all figured out.

Fast forward to September 2015 where I'm down to my last few months in high school. It's been 5 long years and oh, how much I've grown...Flipping back and reading the entries I wrote over the years was such a picture perfect cringe worthy moment. I noted down all the worries and gutted feelings I had since I was 13 and now, I'm 17. I see such a huge difference between myself then and now, but what amazes me most is how much I've grown over the years without actually feeling physically different. 

So after skipping a whole year, I wrote again. I wrote because the demons in slumber woke up and they're back to taunt me. The balance I thought I had and the control I felt over myself for the whole of 2014 was a mere phase. And that was when I came to a sudden realization that everything in life is just a phase...I used to be terrified of phases of life because it scared me how temporary everything is and will be. It scared me how once a phase in life ends, there will ultimately be people leaving you as the phase passes. But 17 year old me now is telling myself that phases aren't actually all that bad because they pretty much mold you into who you ultimately become in the future. The people that leave your side along with the phase were merely just guides. The ones that end up with you after you make it through all the phases in your life are ultimately the people that you were destined to be with. 

Right now, I am currently going through another phase in my life. A phase in my life where I am old enough to make decisions and run errands on my own but still too young to know what the fuck I'm actually up to. It's the phase where I'm trying to find myself without fucking up and it's the phase where I either let myself break through or breakdown. I want to know what I stand for and what defines me. I want to gracefully let go of things that aren't in my control and that are not meant for me. I want to find myself and eventually, I will. 

-Zoey