Stuck between "tell me what to do because I give up" and "don't tell me what to do because I can handle it myself".
reality vs denial
The reality is that I am not okay. I'm a mess and I'm not sure what I'm doing but I've been convincing myself and everyone around me that it's part of surviving when it's not. I'm literally just voluntarily walking into a pile of shit and going around telling people that there's hidden gems somewhere in there that's why I did it. Makes no fucking sense but it took me this long to realise that the whole bullshit I've been making myself and everyone around me put up with is plain distraction and stupid.
I was so determined to meet someone who could tell me that I'm sane and doing alright when the whole concept and idea of it didn't make sense to begin with. I am trying to find something relevant and worthy to fill my void but there I was, casually putting myself up for distractions and keeping myself away from my goal.
No one can help you get to where you want to be but it's up to you to open up to the advices you get along the way and try to implement it on your own situation. Not every advice is suited for your situation but give and take, some might actually make the process of getting by easier. I think the last thing you should do is be selective about your ability to listen & understand. Don't give them a reason to give up on you. I kept making it sound like no one understood what I was trying to do when in reality, everyone knew what I was trying to do. The only problem was that no one could reason with me as to why I put myself in that position to begin with when they know I could have handled it much better. I was so stuck on "this is the only way out" when the possibilities were endless to begin with.
I've unconsciously pushed so many people who were willingly there to help me out. I'm thankful for those who are still here and I'm sorry to those whom I've pushed to the brink. I messed up and I can only hope to mend with time.
C'est la vie, you learn something new about yourself everyday so I guess I'm one step closer to the light at the end of the tunnel.
Note to self : fuck up less.